Don’t Look Back 

~ In 2015, I closed down Facebook as I did my blog. I have recently been carefully active on the giant social media site again, though I limit my time on it, for the sake of tranquility. 

By chance, I have come across several people who were dear to me, which by normal standards, was a very long time ago. I, however, perceive time differently than most. 

I made the rare move of reaching out with requests to connect. How silly of me. 

These people do not remember me. One even warned me off, thinking I was stalking him and trying to pick him up over the Internet, because he was engaged! I almost laughed. As if I would. The very idea!

The mind reels. 

None of those people even knew me back then. No-one did. In fact, nobody really knows me now, except my three cat friends. 

Which is fine. I don’t need anyone to. What I do know is that living in the past is worthless at best and harmful at worst, and I don’t do it anymore–except for my odd slips this week on Facebook. 

One cannot return to what was. Nor is it helpful to long to do so. Being right here, right now, is the only way to live with any semblance of peace. Until next time. ~

I Am Really Cooking Now

 

To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.

~Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon, 1825

 

silence

 

~ I have been alone–really alone–for awhile now–a couple of years. There has been much time for me to think and consider and see. Days snaked around the clock face while the incidence of sleepless nights increased. And I am left sitting, face to face with myself.

The exterior world has been volatile, but this has been so all my life. No security anywhere, except inside myself, and that has grown increasingly sporadic. My feet feel unsteady, as if I need Velcro to stay grounded these days. The depression has been indescribable and debilitating, and venturing outside has been impossible, save for absolute tasks of survival, like obtaining food once a month.

My mother said to me once, “You’re a scrounger.” She thought me a worthless beggar, demanding to be given things I do not deserve. She told me so in various ways all my life. So be it.

The truth, as I see it, is that I have worked hard throughout my life, both in the context of the American vision of doing a job for profit, and in the larger sense of first, surviving and second, trying to build some sort of social network.

Therefore, in the spirit of soldiering on, if nothing else, I will begin cooking for myself again. Not just heating things up or throwing together starch-heavy, MSG-laden processed box mixes but really cooking good food. I used to cook a variety of healthy dishes and make many things at home. I worked all day then shopped, cooked, and cleaned up, while an ex-husband sat drinking.

That is the way it was. Life was unpleasant, but the food was really nice. I was a good cook. Perhaps I still am. Vegan, plant-based foods are best made at home and served hot and fresh. So I will give it a go.

Perhaps cooking wholesome food for myself will do more than feed my body and help me structure my time more constructively. It might nourish my soul as well.

Best wishes until next time. ~

 

 

 

Long Time, No See

= My, it has been a long time, hasn’t it? Everything went pear-shaped, really. I even let the domain address lapse. For the life of me, I could not imagine that I had anything more to say that anyone would want to hear.

So I have been wandering, and wondering.

wandering_beach

I started out discussing everything to do with the Regency Period and Jane Austen’s books. That has changed. I now find I prefer her most disdained rival, Ann Radcliffe. Then I talked about alcoholism and my experience of quitting drinking. I talked about my renewed journey of spirituality, which is a journey I have been on all of my life. I just got distracted or sidetracked sometimes.

There are things I care about — the environment, animals — yet these are being written about a great deal now.

There is much, much more I could say about what I have experienced since I last wrote, what I have seen, what I have learned, what I have been through most of my life. But I do not think I am ready to do that, and there may not be anyone out there who wants to hear it. Yet it might offer food for thought for many, perhaps a little education, maybe even sow a few seeds of understanding. Yet I hesitate.

Perhaps soon. Perhaps never.

So here I’m stood, faffing about, still undecided what to say, or if, indeed, I have anything to say.

So I shall close this post simply saying to whoever may read this that I hope you are having a great day, a good year so far, and that you are ready for bright possibilities. Because they are there, if you are open to them.

Ta da, for now. See you next time.

 

 

Legacy

a journey

Two months ago, noise faded away.

The doctors paused while a nurse made a frantic phone call. The blue line on the monitor went flat.

Though an intensely private person (a quality that will be respected in this post), her caring touched hearts and changed lives.

 A life well-lived.

Loss and pain call us to attention. We can remember, in sharp focus, the shape of a shadow. We recall the tone of a soft mew from a beloved cat perched on a windowsill, the quality of the sunlight on a particular afternoon in October 2003.

And we can be glad—glad because these will be part of us for always.

So the loss, though deep, is not ultimate. The pain, though it takes away our breath for one second, fades in the next to a quiet, sad acceptance that makes room for a smile.bird on wire

And we can feel surrounded, enfolded, protected by a goodness we do not understand.

Few things are easy, but some can be simple, if we stop fighting and allow.

Thus, may we find the grace to continue.

 

 

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On Silence

This blog …

has been quiet lately.

silence

Many excellent words have resounded on the worthy depths of silence, which in itself is a powerful form of communication.

Ultimately, at this difficult time, I choose those of Khalil Gibran:

“Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.”

A Practical, Honest Discussion Between Friends

Jean-Léon_Gérôme_-_Diogenes_-_Walters_37131

Recipes. Thoughts on simple living. Cat hair.

Well, OK, no discussion or further comments on cat hair. But about the other elements, yes.

I spent last week isolating, at home alone. I watched a lot of films. I did some work. I was not feeling well. I even had a fever. But I’m still not sure whether or not I actually had a contagious virus or was just run-down. Much of the problem, too, stemmed from my negative thoughts, which focused on uselessness, purposelessness, pointlessness. Nihilism.

As a result, I was useless, without purpose, and life seemed pointless. So I let myself be sick.

Maybe I needed that time, because today, right now, life is rich, rewarding, meaningful. I am thankful, and I am paying attention.

Nothing really has changed, except for my perspective.

My perspective is broadening, lengthening, growing. Emotions and rogue thoughts no longer automatically wind me up tight, like so many straitjackets.

When I stopped drinking, I not only gained sobriety, but I was finally given a method and specific things to do that would help me grow toward maturity, help me create a meaningful life. What a gift.

Over the years, I’ve spent thousands of dollars on shampoo, skincare products, and cosmetics, expecting them to “fix” me, to make me “right.” This is, of course, assuming there was something inherently wrong with me in the first place, which there is not. Finally — FINALLY — it has sunk into my brain somewhere that nothing external will or can change anything about me. Improvements such as I was seeking start on the inside.

Running on a beach, with birds

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still believe in good, regular skincare and overall hygiene (please consider using only non-animal-tested products with short lists of mostly organic, safe, natural ingredients). But, as I mixed up a fresh batch of face and body scrub yesterday, looking forward to using it later, rather than slathering up my skin with suds in a hot shower because that is what “everyone else” does, for the first time in my life, I found myself relishing and feeling satisfied with simpler living. No expensive products needed. I can make most of what I need for my daily toilette, and for the rest I can seek out merchants with values that match mine: No animal testing; pure, safe ingredients that are fair-traded; empowerment for artisans and workers in struggling economies.

Feeling satisfied with it is the key here. I can tell I am growing, because finally I was not seeking redemption from skincare products. As I prepared the body scrub, a kernel of some positive energy deep inside me, released when I got sober, began to sprout. I returned expensive products that are nice but that I do not need and cancelled orders of yet more products that also are nice but that I do not have to buy. Not anymore. I will be OK without them.

______________________

BODY SCRUB

This recipe is both moisturizing and cleansing, and it also is suitable for the face (just do not rub too hard to avoid tearing skin).

  •  Coconut oil (organic, extra virgin)
  • Sugar (refined white or brown)
  • Honey (optional but adds extra healing and moisturizing benefits)
  • A few drops of essential oil of your choice (optional, but adds cleansing benefits and serves as a natural preservative)

salt-scrub-close-up2-1

Mix up smaller batches at a time. Yesterday, I used roughly 6 to 7  teaspoons of coconut oil, and 6 to 7 teaspoons of white sugar.

Spoon out the coconut oil (it is solid at room temperature) into a bowl. Add sugar. If using honey, add 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon to other ingredients. Using a spoon, gently press and stir the ingredients together until they are well-mixed.

That’s it.

I added 8 drops of essential oil for a whiff of lovely fragrance, added botanical-based benefits, and mixture preservation. It is best to store this scrub in a glass container to avoid the chance of chemicals from plastic containers seeping into the mixture.

_______________________

 

I also plan to start making my own cleansing conditioner for my hair out of bentonite clay and coconut milk (thank you, Minimalist Beauty, for this great idea). I am currently using a mud-based hair cleanser that works great but is, well, costly. If I can buy ingredients that will make up multiple batches of an effective, safe hair cleanser, then why not make it myself?

It’s the idea that I am worthy to do this, that a product I mix up myself is as good or better than something I could pay $50 for in stores or online.

Yes.

Living in a simpler way, consuming less and creating more, strengthens life energy. It is giving rather than taking. It is appreciating and paying attention. It is being grateful and using what you already have to make an entirely new thing that you actually need. Less wanting. Less wanting. Less wanting…

 

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Being Still and Breathing

Nude 1

A recent discovery…

Fabricated drama is no longer needed. Life itself supplies plenty of natural excitement.

Sit down and take a deep breath to prepare for the ride. But just remember, as I was recently reminded by a friend, to buckle up.

My ailing parent is regaining strength and health in a rehab facility. Gratitude.

And change.

Volatile emotions. Limited options. Still, choices are there. More gratitude.

Work to do. Writing to embrace (global success optional). Chores to complete. Cats to cuddle. Yes, there is a point to it all.

I am sober. I am present, right now.

So chin up, old thing. Sometimes smiling is the next right thing to do.

 

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As Life Happens…

wandering_beach

Many of us go through the same life experiences, but we proceed through this maze at different paces, in different ways.

Our responses and reactions—not our experiences—render us as individual.

Caring for an aging parent not only requires physical action but also emotional strength. The children, now turned caretaker, must do those personal things for their parent that were once done for them.

This change can be hard to swallow. And if that is managed, then it certainly is hard to digest.

Life happens.

Life is about change, growth, instability. Life also is about handling this mercurial nature of existence with grace, thankfulness, and love.

Being scared is OK. Being unwilling is not.

The best part? I can stay sober, no matter what, and I actually can be helpful. I can be present, completely in the now, where I am needed.

And for this change, I will be forever grateful.

 

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The Chrysalis of Awareness

painting a cloud

What is the “truth,” really?

There are as many “truths” as there are perspectives, and each person has her or his own perspective, so there you go.

No one, single, universal reality exists. Your reality is ultimately different from mine, though there may be many similarities. This “radical” idea, presented to me by a brilliant man teaching an Honors Rhetoric class, blew my little mind in undergraduate studies in the late 1980s. I have spent the years since trying to pull the pieces of my mind back together.

This blog, much like me in the last few years, has been all over the place.

From the earliest posts, which are an ode to the Regency Era and Jane Austen to later posts more serious and socially minded to a confessional, this platform has chronicled my progress of growing up in public.

It is OK to change.

Change is a constant. The next moment will be different from the present. That is a given. But growth—ay, there’s the rub. Growth results when I respond to the present moment with enthusiasm, excitement, energy. Hope. When I respond to circumstances with a sense of possibility, rather than a feeling of dread, I allow the “present” to travel smoothly into the “future” with very few bumps during the journey.  dandelion

However, my often racing thoughts and volatile emotions can easily interfere with my forward movement, forcing me to a standstill or, even worse, to roll backward down the hill.

Two cats snuggle against me as I write this. My three cat friends are not so much bothered by wandering (and wondering) thoughts as I am. Instead, they breathe their presence completely into what they are doing or experiencing at each point in time, staying focused on “right now.” Soft and warm, content and satisfied, they are good teachers.

Just like the radical idea once presented to me that truth is fractured into as many facets as there are human minds, the cats show me that it is not only OK but indeed desirable to be fully present with all I am doing, in every moment.

This is to be alive.

Anything less is a sort of half life, lived on the fringes and prone to fear, doubt, and other such predators.

So how will I stay present today—present right now?

  • Focus intently on my five senses. What do I see? What pleasant scents tickle me? What do I taste? Which instrument is taking the solo in my beloved jazz or classical music? Am I really noticing the sumptuousness of a faux fur blanket?

 

  • Remove the word “should” from my vocabulary. “Should” conjures up impressions of fear, of serious duty void of joy, and, depending upon my mind set, even a sense of fate settling firmly upon my shoulders and pressing down with insistent cries and whines, removing from me my right—my very ability—to choose. Instead, I will ask for guidance and listen intently to what my inner compass tells me to do next, then do that next right thing.  walking on RR track

 

  • I will not judge—merely observe and experience. As Shakespeare said: “Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Why the need to lay my opinion on everything? No—depression or joy, activity or stillness, company or solitude—I will be a student of this life, of this moment, rather than struggling to direct everything. When I surrender to what actually is, then I get out of the way of my own awareness.

 

And that is good. Helpful. Getting out of the way of my own awareness is growth. Removing limited and limiting parameters on the universe, of which I am familiar with only a tiny fragment, opens me up to what actually is. No fantasies. No fairy tales. Instead, only the present as it unfolds.

 

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Today

Grow

Growing up is a difficult business.

But it is one we all engage in. It is the price we pay for being alive.

And today, I am OK with that.

I am fine with people moving in and out of my life, with seeming friendships that burn out, empty and sour. I can accept that my way is not the only way, is not even the best way. with stick figure

I am comfortable (mostly) with solitude.

All is as it should be.

There is no “happily ever after,” but NOW is pretty good.

 

 

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